Yes, I did it – I survived labor and delivery. Gosh, that was the easy part (and I wouldn’t consider that necessarily “easy”).
Scarlett Maria was born March 9th, and since then life has been full of ups and downs, laughter and tears, and uhhh.. it’s only been two months! Let me tell you, being pregnant for the first time is kinda like living in dreamland, where babies are magical angels and your imagination soars with how cute they are. You buy the cutest outfits, sweetest toys, become all natural mommy, breastfeeding will be difficult but worth it… you can conquer it all! You hear that you won’t sleep – that’s okay maybe. You hear it’s not all roses and daises – of course not.
But now that I have time to reflect, let me just slap my prior self for not preparing for how much of a nightmare parenting can really be. And I just started!
Postpregnancy is bizarre and nasty thing. Hormones raging, postpartum depression becomes your personal nightmare, the sound of babies cries makes your gut twist unpleasantly, and you suddenly don’t remember who you were, or what life was like before having this baby. Madness. Your brain has somehow just nudged all that other stuff aside, and instead it’s filled with DIAPERS, NAP TIME, WHY IS SHE CRYING, WHAT ROUTINE, OH GOD HELP… everything else is just fuzz behind your ears.
I will be honest, the first uhhh… 6 weeks were rough. They are still rough, I think my body is just now accepting the fact that there is no recovery. It’s like I’ve been beaten into submission so many times I am becoming less aware of it.
As I crawl out of this insanity, I am now only sure of three things:
I love my husband even more now, because he is the only constant thing in my life at the moment.
My baby is the most beautiful baby ever. I’m sure.
I don’t remember what it’s like to eat good, home cooked meals. I now live off boxed sodium.
As I type, Scarlett is napping fitfully, and with each sound coming through my baby monitor.. my heart stops for a moment. It’s the most awful feeling, and my brain is yelling WHAT HAVE YOU GOTTEN US INTO WE WERE NOT FIT FOR RAISING A BABY LORD HELP US.
Beyond all that crazy talk, I just started a “routine” of sorts, and it seems to be helping. Or at least, that’s my wishful thinking. I’ve discovered that if she stays up more than an hour at a time, she turns into a gremlin. It’s kind of scary. Also, she can’t sleep without being swaddled. She doesn’t seem to know how to control her arms because she just smacks herself around when she attempts to nap without being swaddled.. Also, pacifiers are amazing.
Last thought: pumping is something awful. There’s nothing quite like feeling like a milked cow.
Happy parenting! Only the rest of our lives to go. (On a serious note, I didn’t think I could love this baby so fiercely. It’s all consuming, and that is one of the best things about being a mom)